A Step in the Wrong Direction
by princessofthedeadsheep
Summary: I read a headcanon somewhere, a long time ago about Odd being a self harmer, due to the comments he makes about his sisters and the fact that he always wears such long sleeves. This was the result. This takes place sometime in season 3.
1. A Brother To Us

**As a quick note, this is my first story with self harm in it. If you have any feedback about it, I would be delighted to hear it, and I don't mind if you would like to correct me on something you feel doesn't fit in- I have never cut myself and so I was not writing this from experience, but rather from what I've heard of other's experiences. **

**Disclaimer: I wish I owned Code Lyoko rather than Moonscoop**

In the beginning Odd had been so paranoid about being caught he had been aware of every sound, every creep, and so he had done so only when he knew he was alone, sometimes sneaking off to other places which while more risky and less comfortable and allowed him to get the relief he needed. Odd wasn't used to sharing a room, since he was the only boy in his family, so paranoia could have been expected of him, really. After a while he learned how to easily keep it in his and Ulrich's room without Ulrich finding out, but then he let his guard down. The first time Ulrich had walked in, Ulrich had been distracted, angry over something Odd had done, and Odd had been able to stonewall, keeping Ulrich distracted with his anger and hiding the razor, very barely. That wasn't going to happen this time.

"Odd, what are you doing?" Ulrich stopped just inside the room, having just shut the door upon seeing Odd.

"Nothing." Odd shoved his razor blade under the covers. He hadn't been paying attention, had been too wrapped up in what he was doing...the release of it. The good feeling in the sting. His sleeve fell over his arm, obscuring the truth from view.

"If it's 'nothing' why do you need to hide it? Why do you look so nervous?" Ulrich inched closer, causing Odd to flinch back towards the wall, accidently pushing the covers of his bed back and revealing the bloody razor. There was a smear of blood on his blanket and sheet as well. Odd closed his eyes and looked away from the razor, knowing Ulrich had seen it. "Odd... did you use this on yourself?" The question was quiet, and it wasn't one Odd was willing to answer.

"N-no of course not!" he responded too quickly. "I just cut myself because I didn't know that was there is all. I really was doing nothing when you came in, I was just going to-" he had reached for the blade but Ulrich's hand, quick as a flash, grabbed his, stopping him from reaching it.

"Then why," he asked in an even softer tone, "is there blood staining your sleeve from the inside?" Odd looked down and realized, to his horror, it was true. Blood was expanding across his sleeve and was clearly from the wounds beneath it.

"That's the part that I scraped myself with!" Odd gave a nervous laugh that sounded nothing like his normal one. Ulrich looked at him and Odd could tell he wasn't buying it. Without another word Ulrich let go of Odd's hand, walked over to their desk and picked up a tissue, picked up the blade, and walked out. He returned a minute later without it. Odd hoped that this was as far as it would go, but he wasn't that lucky.

"I'm not going to bother with the excuse you told me. We both know that isn't the truth. Odd, how long has this been going on?"

"How long has what been going on?" Odd would not give up easily. Ulrich's gaze remained steady on his best friend.

"How long have you been cutting yourself?" Odd looked away, not able to look at the serious look on Ulrich's face. He fiddled with his sleeve and tried to ignore the bleeding, ignore Ulrich, ignore everything. "Odd, I won't tell anyone. You can trust me." Odd looked up at Ulrich, barely meeting his eyes, and then he relented.

"Since I was ten." he muttered, once again staring at his stained sleeve. "I started after Adele's birthday, when she locked me in the bathroom so I'd stop bothering her and her friends. I... they were right there... it was just too tempting... and I felt so relieved..." Odd bit his lip. His voice had been almost nonexistent but Ulrich heard him. It was the first time he'd said anything, and even though he was scared there was a comfort in confiding in Ulrich.

"No one else knows?" Odd looked up at Ulrich, shaking his head sharply.

"I was too careful. I never would have heard the end of it from my sisters if they found out." Ulrich just nodded at that. There was silence between them for a moment before Ulrich kneeled in front of Odd's bed.

"Let me see." he said. Hesitantly, Odd held out his arm to Ulrich. Ulrich took it and pushed back Odd's sleeve. There were five scratches on his arm, but Ulrich could see more, the scars of the healed cuts and ones still healing... They were all over Odd's arm. These five were in a line down the front of his wrist, one right after the other. Two of them still bled sluggishly, but the other three were merely red and sore looking. "Do you have anything?" Ulrich asked, and Odd motioned to another part of his bed. Flipping up the covers revealed a small amount of antiseptic wipes, gauze, and medical tape. Ulrich began to use them on Odd's arm.

"When I'm done with this, I want you to show me where you keep any razors and other stuff you use to do this. Then, you're going to go hang out with Aelita and Jeremy. Tell them I kicked you out or something. I'll come get you when I'm done."

"Done what?" Odd asked.

"Done searching the room and making sure there isn't anything here you could hurt yourself with." Odd was silent after that and Ulrich tied the bandage on his arm. "You should change your shirt." Odd nodded. As he got up to do so, he pulled out one of the drawers in his desk, all the way out, and he handed it to Ulrich. Ulrich took one look and understood.

It took only moments for Odd to change his shirt and get ready to leave. He walked to the door, and was about to open it when Ulrich said his name. Odd turned.

"You know I'm here for you. If you ever feel like doing this again... ever... come to me. I don't care how mad I am, or how upset, if you are feeling like you need to do this, you tell me, alright?"

"Yeah, alright." Odd said. He left. He fed the bullshit story to Aelita and Jeremy, who were busy doing some code for Lyoko and ignored him, and he tried to figure out what he was feeling. There was relief there, from being believed. There was a fear as well, because he knew Ulrich had been serious. Ulrich wasn't going to let him do this to himself anymore. But wasn't that a good thing? Wasn't that where the relief came in? When someone was going to help? He wasn't sure if Ulrich could help, but the fact that he was willing to try actually made Odd feel better.

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Odd didn't really like the new rules that Ulrich ran the dorm room by. No scissors, no needles, no razors, no pins even. Since Odd didn't need to shave, Ulrich had forbidden him from getting a razor at all, and had cleaned out his stock. Ulrich really _had_ searched their room, and now every hiding spot he'd had was gone.

He understood and even accepted what Ulrich had done, but he found it very annoying even so. He resisted even though a part of him needed it, and he understood that. It was watching the darkness and seeing the light but not believing it was real so much that it wasn't real, that it was definitely a lie.

He followed Ulrich's rules. Sometimes he argued or fought or raged, especially when the days were bad and he really _needed_, but couldn't _have _and he fought Ulrich who stood there and took it all, would speak in a calm tone that made raging at him feel so small as well as so wonderful but so empty because yelling at someone who doesn't react sucks and he can't find it in himself to keep yelling. So many times he found himself crying in Ulrich's arms and he wonders, sometimes, if no one ever hears their arguments, or if Ulrich just makes sure no one asks Odd why.

Ulrich was the perfect caretaker. He was too kind, in some ways, to let Odd continue to hurt himself, but he remembered the darkness just as well, and he wouldn't see Odd fall to it like others had. Sometimes it was those fights that solved their actual arguments, those breakdowns that made things alright between them.

Ulrich found so many ways to help Odd, so many things he could do rather than hurt himself, and made sure Odd knew them. Taped to the underside of the topmost drawer where once there were razor blades that were bloodstained now there was a list and markers and instant cold packets and other assorted items that supposedly help that Ulrich would add to whenever he found something.

Time healed Odd's arms, the scars faded some, but they never left. Odd hid his arms as he always did, and no one asked questions, and they weren't given any answers. The rules were not brought up when others were in the room, simply because that wasn't the way things were run. Ulrich took care of Odd, like the big brother Odd had always wished he could have had. They didn't talk about that, either.

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Odd thought he was going to go insane. Before this had even begun he had been so stressed, thinking about his sisters, Louise and Adele, coming over with his parents to watch his most recent film. He could already hear the knives in their words and it was destroying his day, and then, to top things off, Xana had attacked and when he went to Lyoko he was captured by the Scyphozoa and he had no idea how much more he could take- his heart was racing and his thoughts were scrambled- and he stumbled out of the scanner like a drunk man. His eyes raced around the room, constantly moving, looking for something he could use to escape, any kind of an escape, from his beating heart and intense need to cry out and scream. He raced toward the elevator door only to suddenly find himself pinned to the wall.

Ulrich was looking at him the way he did when something was very wrong and he wasn't letting Odd out of the room because it just would not be a smart thing to do. "Jeremy, you need to go over Odd's materialization right now!" He lowered his voice some, looking directly into Odd's eyes "Odd you need to calm down. I know your upset right now but you don't want to do this." Perhaps he didn't, but Odd didn't know what he wanted. The need was overriding all else, the need turning to pain.

"Please Ulrich… I need to… let me go…" Odd's eyes were darting around, unfocused, unclear. He struggled, forcing Ulrich to pin him down further.

"You need to get him back into the scanner." Jeremy's voice, full of forced calm came through from above them. "Aelita, Yumi, while Odd is in the scanner come up here with me." Normally the girls would have said something, but Ulrich shot them a look that had them silent and waiting.

"Odd, I want you to listen to me." Ulrich spoke in that calm measured voice. "I want you to think of something that brings you peace. Something that doesn't give you any stress at all. Close your eyes and think only of that." Odd did as Ulrich said, food coming to mind. He thought of all his favorite foods and found himself stop fighting Ulrich off. He was still tense, but he stopped moving. Ulrich let him go and he stayed in the same position. "Alright, I'm going to walk with you now, okay? Just keep thinking of whatever you're thinking of, we'll walk nice and slow." Odd felt Ulrich's arm go around his side as Ulrich slowly pulled him away from the wall. In reflex, Odd gripped Ulrich tightly. "You alright?" Ulrich asked immediately.

Odd only nodded. Slowly, they made their way to the scanner. Odd could feel the eyes of the girls on him, and he shrank further into Ulrich who continued to hold him up. He felt as he was gently placed inside the scanner but was reluctant to let go of Ulrich. "Hey Odd, I'm going to be right here the whole time, okay? You just keep thinking about what you were thinking about. Keep calm, alright?" Reluctantly, Odd let go.

The scanner took far too long, and during that time Odd's inner critic hit levels of inner hatred that he had not heard in so long. When the scanner was done, the doors opened and he fell out into Ulrich's arms with tears swimming in his eyes. "I've got you, you're alright Odd. Come on, this way." It was slow going, but they made it to the elevator and headed to where the others were. When they came in, Odd couldn't look at them, for fear of what he'd find on their faces. Instead he stared at the ground as Ulrich led him towards the computer chair.

"I've finished the scan." Jeremy said. "From what I can see, Odd's existing emotions were heightened by the Scyphozoa so that he wouldn't be able to function."

"Odd," Ulrich asked, "What kind of day was it before we went on Lyoko? A good day or a bad day?"

"Bad day. Nine." Odd muttered. He felt Ulrich's chest heave upward as he sighed.

"You shouldn't have come with us if it was that bad a day."

"I didn't think it would be a problem! I figured it would take my mind off things. I'm so stupid." He could see in his mind's eye the expression that he knew would be on Ulrich's face right about now. It was a pinched look that held outrage and sadness and an understanding (the outrage was for his sisters, the sadness and understanding for him). Odd lost his ability to stand up straight and felt his knees give. Ulrich grunted as he held onto Odd before he slid them both to the floor, Odd ending up in an embrace on his lap. Odd curled into him, face in his chest as the tears started up again.

"You are not stupid Odd, I don't care what anyone else says. Your grades are low because you don't care about them, not because you're dumb."

"I am though." It was said so quietly it almost couldn't be heard.

"Odd I know right now you're feeling really down, but I need you to remember that all those things you keep telling yourself aren't true. None of us think so. You know that. You're our friend Odd, and we don't think you're stupid, or worthless. We're glad you're here. You need to remember that right now."

"Ulrich's right Odd." Jeremy had gotten off of the chair and was on the floor next to it, looking at Odd with a kind expression that showed nothing but honesty. "You're very important to us. You've been a good friend to us, and we appreciate it, and I can't think of what all this would have been like without you here to help lighten things up. You've helped me out so many times… Aelita and Yumi too!" The girls nodded hurriedly. They too were now kneeling on the floor to be on eye level with Odd.

"I know you all find me annoying, don't lie!" Odd's tears were smeared across his face, falling onto his fingers. "And I'm not strong and I'm not very useful and all I do is eat and I'm not even worth the space I take up."

"Odd, how many times have I told you that isn't true?" Ulrich gave Odd a squeeze, "Your sisters have been horrible to you, and given you all these awful ideas, and they had no right to do half the things they did to you. They and we have different talents then you do, and you aren't required to measure up to those standards. You are important Odd, and even if you annoy us sometimes, that doesn't mean we don't like you, or that we don't want you around. No matter what your sisters have convinced you to think."

"Odd… you're like a brother to us." Yumi smiled at Odd as he finally turned her way. "And even though brothers can be annoying and get in the way, they're still people we love. True family doesn't hurt each other like that. Especially when we get to choose them. Odd, we love you." She reached out and wiped some of the tears from his face.

"All of you?" Odd asked.

"Of course!" Aelita leaned over and gave him a fierce hug.

"Definitely." Jeremy grinned at him, and he leaned forward and gave his arm a squeeze.

"All of us Odd. We love you. We're family." Ulrich moved a bit so that Odd could see his face. "Feeling better?" Odd nodded.

"Yeah. I still feel like I need to... but not so much now. I can handle it."

"And if you can't?"

"I'll tell you." Odd wiggled out of Ulrich's grip. Ulrich let him go with a mock roll of his eyes and a smile. "We should go now. I need to be there for the showing of my film." Ulrich immediately went on edge. Noticing, Aelita immediately piped up.

"Are you up for that? I mean we can stay here and do a return to the past to give you more time if you want. At least to let the effects of what Xana's done wear off."

"Yeah Odd." Ulrich frowned. "We don't want you to be put under too much more stress before the viewing, especially what with the Scyphozoa screwing with your emotions."

"It will wear off in about four hours' time." Jeremy put in, looking a bit anxious. "The viewing is in two. You might be better off. I'm sure you would want to be able to enjoy everything."

"I will." Odd said with a grin. "All my emotions are intensified? Well that just means I'll be happier than ever! Come on, let's go!" Odd started to get up, and the rest followed him with exasperated fondness, out of the factory.

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Shortly after they left, they were introduced to the members of Odd's family they hadn't met. Namely, two of his sisters, who were clearly there against their wishes. The subsequent greeting of "Hi brat" didn't even seem to garner a reaction from Odd's parents, but all of the Lyoko warriors, remembering what Ulrich had said, were very stiff with them. Luckily they weren't there for very long before the viewing, and they had to leave that day. Unluckily, Odd had to go out to dinner with them, and he returned in far worse spirits then he left. He returned to his and Ulrich's room, fully expecting it to be empty, and everyone else in Jeremy's room, where they usually collected.

He couldn't have been more surprised that all of his friends were there, clearly waiting for him. Aelita was on his bed, petting the happy Kiwi, Yumi was lounging on a desk chair while Ulrich and Jeremy were settled on Ulrich's bed. They all looked up at his arrival.

"You didn't think that after this afternoon we'd just let you go and that'd be the end of it, did you?" Yumi's eyebrow was raised, amusement on her face.

"Uh...yes?" Odd gave one of his charming smiles.

"After today, we'll leave it alone, but right now, we want to make sure you're alright." Aelita said. "You were very upset today."

"Speaking of which, how are you feeling?" Ulrich leaned forward, fixing Odd with one of his more serious looks. Odd gave him a fairly solid real smile, which held only a hint of sadness.

"About a six." He admitted. "Adele and Louise had a lot to say about my work, but mostly I was able to ignore it. I didn't let it bring me down too much."

"Good. No one else does, so why give them the pleasure?" Ulrich gave Odd a small smile himself, which quickly turned into a smug smile. "And it was really good."

"It was hilarious!" Aelita's good mood was as infectious as always, and they were all grinning.

"You're very talented at directing Odd." Yumi said.

"Most definitely. Though I don't know how you get away with all the things you do to make your films." Jeremy adjusted his glasses. "Sissy looked like she was going to deck you."

"She might still." Aelita giggled. "I think she's waiting for the most embarrassing time she can."

"She'll be disappointed. I'm not going to make it easier for her." Odd grinned, feeling more at ease than he had in a long time.


	2. Everything's Fine

**There have been requests for an extension to this story, and while I'm not sure where i could go forward, I decided to write this little thing to accompany it. I have no idea what I would do to continue it into a series, so if you have ideas, let me know.**

Jeremy was not credited as the smartest boy at Kadic without reason. He knew there was something going on with Odd and Ulrich.

It was the little things at first. It got weird when Ulrich asked Jeremy to hold onto his scissors, and it was just downright strange how little Ulrich would talk about _why_ his scissors were now stored in Jeremy's room. Ulrich also seemed to be more aware of Odd. Not in a romantic way, but rather in the subtle ways in which Yumi was aware of Aelita, ensuring that she was okay. In that way, so did Ulrich ensure Odd was okay. Odd and Ulrich seemed closer, somehow. It wasn't anything he could really point out, not something he could immediately identify, but it reminded him of how he and Yumi were. There was a comradery, an understanding, and Jeremy respected that. He did not ask questions.

That changed when he heard them fighting one day. Jeremy had been sitting at his computer working on the last of his homework when he heard the sounds of Ulrich and Odd fighting. It was something he was not unused to hearing, and it made him think of how there were times when it seemed like they didn't even make good friends. So he ignored it at first. Then he realized that there was something different going on. The shift in tone was not impossible to find when one had been hearing these fights for over a year. Odd was doing more shouting then Ulrich. In fact, Ulrich did not appear to be shouting at all. It was most unusual. But then he realized that there was an edge of panic in Odd's tone. There was something off about the way he was yelling.

Most would never pick up on it- it was not something Odd advertised- but Jeremy had been in enough life threatening situations with the other Lyoko Warriors with the sounds of their voices ringing into his ears (so close and impossible to miss) he had long ago learned the nuances of each voice, the slight shifts in tone, the verbal ticks that spelled trouble.

Abandoning his computer, Jeremy had worriedly opened his door and gone over towards Ulrich and Odd's room, wondering if he should knock and interrupt or let things simmer down as they always did. He pressed his ear to the door and listened to the argument hoping it would make the decision for him when he heard what Odd was saying and froze.

"Dammit why do you have to do this? I just... it's only a little bit and I just... you don't understand! I need it."

"No Odd." Jeremy could hardly hear Ulrich's quiet voice. It was calm and measured, his 'I'm being serious' voice. "You don't. Everything is going to be fine. I know you're upset, but this isn't the way to solve things."

"I hate this! I hate you! I never asked you to do this for me. I don't want you to do this. Stop it! Just let me rot!"

"Odd, listen to me. This isn't going to solve anything. I know that you think it's going to help, but it isn't. I'm doing this because I care about you. I don't want you to hurt yourself anymore." Jeremy felt his stomach plunge to his feet. Did Ulrich mean what Jeremy thought he did?

"No you don't. You don't care. No one does. I hate you, just like you hate me. You don't know what I need, what I want. You don't know anything."

"Well it doesn't matter if that's what you think. I'm not letting you cut yourself Odd. It isn't happening. Yell at me all you want- I won't stop you- but don't you dare hurt yourself." Feeling sick, Jeremy went back to his own room, taking care not to run and give away his presence.

Mindlessly, he went back to his work, finishing his homework before he got up and began to pace. Odd had been hurting himself? For how long? Why? How had they not noticed? What if there were other things? And most importantly... What should Jeremy do now?

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The next day, Jeremy found Ulrich on his own for a moment. Odd had left, undoubtedly to get more food as well as the art project that he actually _did_ do from his room. Yumi and Aelita had gone off for some girl time. He sat down next to Ulrich and started fiddling with his hands.

"What's wrong?" Ulrich asked almost immediately. Jeremy smiled ruefully. Ulrich was more empathetic and aware than he was given credit for. He could usually tell something was wrong before Jeremy could...with the exception of Yumi, who seemed to cause a lot of blind spots in Ulrich's vision if he wasn't careful.

"I heard you and Odd arguing last night. Normally I would have ignored it, but there was something off about the way Odd spoke. I only went over to make sure you guys were okay." Ulrich's face, utterly unreadable, studied Jeremy's.

"What did you hear?"

"You saying you wouldn't let Odd hurt himself, Odd saying he hated you and you didn't understand." Ulrich sighed before he ran a hand through his hair.

"He says stuff like that a lot at... those times." He dropped his hand and looked into Jeremy's eyes. "Don't tell Odd you know. I don't think he'd handle it well right now."

"I guess I won't." Jeremy was still unsure, but he knew Ulrich would have the best idea of how to handle this. "Just answer something for me." Ulrich raised an eyebrow then motioned for Jeremy to continue. "How long has this been going on? How long has he been...?"

"Before he got here. You didn't notice because you never knew him before it started. None of us did. Don't feel guilty for not realizing. He did a lot to hide it from us. From everyone."

Jeremy gave a weak smile. Leave it to Ulrich to figure out why he wanted to know the when. Odd came running up then.

"Hey Einstein! Are you excited for art?"

"Not especially." Jeremy did his best to push his smile into what he would normally give. It must have worked, because Odd didn't seem to think anything was wrong. "I much prefer science, but you know that already."

"Well, I suppose we'll just have to live with that, what with an Einstein like you as a friend. How are things?" Odd asked, slapping Jeremy on the back presumably just because he could.

Jeremy looked at Ulrich for a quick moment, and seeing the ghost of a smile, he looked back at Odd and said "Everything's fine."


	3. A Minor Celebration

**And here we are with the next bit. I wrote this up recently as it just sort of came to me.**

Odd tries not to think about the fact that his friends know. Mostly, they don't treat him any differently, though sometimes there will be lingering looks they pretend they didn't give and he'll pretend he didn't notice. Ulrich, of course, is the exception. He doesn't pretend that he doesn't know, doesn't pretend that he isn't looking out for Odd, and Odd appreciates it.

Mostly.

There are days, of course, when he doesn't. There are always those days. Ulrich handles those days as easily as always, using that forced calm to keep himself from reacting when Odd was especially... volatile. Not that he was really all that bad. Odd wasn't really violent, and Ulrich knows that. Even if Odd may have accidently thrown a few things at Ulrich (mostly but not always pillows), at least when he got back in his right mind he apologized profusely and picked up after himself. Especially since nine times out of ten it's something Odd owns anyway. The only time he threw something of Ulrich's, once Ulrich was certain that Odd was mentally stable he completely ignored him for a day and Odd isn't a hundred percent sure that Ulrich has forgiven him even now, four months later. It doesn't matter, because if there is anything that Odd is certain of, it's that Ulrich won't let him break. He doesn't bother to try and ask why.

Ulrich is the one to listen, always. He's told Ulrich countless stories, and he's pretty sure Ulrich has every one memorized. He's told Ulrich all about what it's like to grow up the youngest of six, and how much it momentously sucks to be the only boy among five girls. He told Ulrich about the times he'd been locked in the bathroom, he's told Ulrich about the time one of his sisters had actually hit him so hard he saw stars and got a concussion, he's told Ulrich about all the verbal abuse and the loneliness and how it felt to draw the blade against his skin and how there had been times he'd thought of what it would be like if he dragged the blades deep across his wrist, going to sleep and never waking again. He'd never been serious about the thought, never actually been close to committing suicide, but the thoughts came across his mind anyway. Ulrich listens to all of it and doesn't judge him for it. Ulrich has told him things too, but there are things that they will never tell each other, and they don't question that. They only tell those stories when the past comes back to haunt them in some way, usually when their parents are coming to the school or when they have to go home for a break, or, in Odd's case, when he's having a particularly bad day.

Most times though, their conversations revolve around school and Xana and who they like and what they're going to do with their friends. Odd is happy to find the days when he isn't so well are getting farther and farther apart, and Ulrich seems to be pleased too, though he never mentions it. The others have begun to take care in the words they say. The teasing is still there, but there are extra reassurances, more "you are very good at this Odd" and things like that they all pretend is normal. They all take notice that he sometimes wears shorter sleeves, as the red marks have faded just enough that he can get away with showing them without people realizing. It's his way of telling them he's fine, and today is one of those days. For some reason his friends spend more of the day paying attention to him. He wonders if it's a reward for not trying to hurt himself, decides he doesn't want to know and doesn't ask, but it's strange.

"Hey Odd, my mom made some rice balls and I'm full, do want the rest?" Yumi asks him at lunch, and he eagerly takes the food from her, grinning, and for once there is absolutely no joking here and there is a gentle, familial love he pretends he doesn't notice in her eyes. But he knows she loves him like she loves Hiroki, and that's a strange sort of comfort. He kind of wishes Adele, his youngest sister, loved him like Yumi does. He pretends he doesn't like the side hug Yumi gives him before she heads off to classes, but he's grinning with her the whole time and she's teasing him and it's so perfectly fun he can't help but give in and give her a quick hug back. It is very unlike them but it doesn't seem strange.

"Odd, how about I read over your history paper?" Odd had just finished it when Jeremy asked, and it isn't all that unusual- Jeremy isn't against helping any of them when they need it- but when he gets it back he's very surprised to find that Jeremy has gone above and beyond this time, giving him the information he needs, as well as the sources in an already prepared bibliography. All Odd has to do is rewrite the Jeremy like information into his own tone and he knows the paper will get an A, where before it might have gotten a low C if he was lucky. When he looks up to question Jeremy, he finds that Jeremy is looking at him with a fondness that he rarely sees, and Jeremy raises his eyebrow and Odd just accepts that Jeremy has decided to be extra nice.

"Hey Odd, do you want to go to the movies?" Aelita asks him after school is over. He agrees and they take off to watch a new movie he's been dying to see that he knows Aelita is only vaguely interested in and that all of his other friends aren't interested in at all. Aelita pays for everything- popcorn, drinks, and tickets- and they spend the whole movie laughing at bad special effects and cheesy acting. They get glares from more than a few people and told off once or twice for laughing so loud but they ignore all of it in favor of just having fun. They get themselves ice cream before they head back to Kadic, and Odd gives her a great big hug before she goes to Jeremy's room and he goes to his own.

"How was the movie?" Ulrich asks. He's at the desk writing something, probably for their homework. He turns to look at Odd, looking rather pleased.

"The movie was horrible. Aelita and I spent the whole time making fun of it."

"And then got ice cream, I see." Ulrich gestured to Odd's shirt, where he apparently managed to splatter some ice cream.

"Yup!" Odd grinned, not even bothering to get the ice cream off his shirt before taking it off so he can get ready for bed. Ulrich shakes his head fondly, and for the most part seems to ignore Odd until Odd is settled in his own bed, playing a video game because he doesn't actually want to go to sleep. It's like that for a couple hours before Ulrich finally stops whatever he was doing and he changes and gets ready for bed too. When they're both lying in their beds, Odd finally powers down his game and gets settled. He and Ulrich lay in silence for a moment.

"So Jeremy helped you with your history essay?" Ulrich asked.

"Yeah. I'll get an A on it. I'm lucky the teachers are used to me turning things in with every grade under the sun or else I'd be pulled in for cheating all the time." Odd grinned to himself as Ulrich chuckled.

"Yeah, I suppose you are lucky." There is silence for another moment. "We're happy to have you here, you know." Ulrich says. Odd turns toward him in the dark but he can't see Ulrich's face. Ulrich's voice is quiet, and Odd tries to imagine Ulrich's expression but doesn't really succeed. "I'm glad you're doing better, Odd. We all are."

"Yeah, I know." They don't say anything else, don't need to. Odd slips into sleep, feeling comfortable and happier than he usual.

**I think I might end the series here. At some point I might add to it, but I have other projects and I'd really just like to bring this one to a close, at least for now. I might come back to it at a later time, but for now, this is it. Also, as a note, it is usually a horrible idea to use the silent treatment on someone with major self-confidence issues. I imagine that Ulrich wasn't thinking about it along those lines though. Despite what Odd thinks, Ulrich is not always a perfect caretaker, he's just another teenager trying his best for his friend.**


	4. The Same Coin

Ulrich has always been a very private boy, more than a bit shy thanks to the high expectations that surround him from every move he makes to every word that comes out of his mouth. Ulrich does not tell his friends everything, never intends to.

He never intends to tell Odd that part of the reason he stopped him was because he remembered being on the other end of a blade himself (he always did it in places no one would see because his father would have beat him bloody, he was sure, if he'd done it in a visible place, and he couldn't get away with extra clothing like Odd could). He never intends to tell Odd that one of the people he saw fall into the darkness was himself from the other side of the mirror (he had no razors, only sharp corners and the promise of a bruise he'd feel whenever he moved just the right way, the occasional cut from rough housing that he couldn't keep his fingers away from because the pain was good).

He never plans to tell anyone about the scars they actually would be able to find on him. The most obvious is on his hip, an angry mark that likely would have killed him had he attempted it on his wrist. He hadn't though, fear of his father keeping him secretive as he clutched the strange blade in his hand. He'd simply dragged it along his skin, again and again along the same line, and it cut, almost too far but in the end it wasn't so much that he couldn't handle it, managing to stop the bleeding and to wrap it for a while.

People forgot there were many ways to hurt yourself. Scratching yourself raw, disturbing your wounds, giving yourself non-intrusive injuries. These were the methods that Ulrich had preferred, the ones that would sit in his belly for as long as he lived as some of the things he really wished he hadn't done. It hadn't stopped, not really, until he'd settled in at Kadic. Once the pressure from his father was dimmer, the threat less present, the pleasantness of the pain was less, and he found himself almost losing interest in it, though he did relapse at times, found himself pressing at a bruise he'd gotten in football and the like.

He forced himself to stop completely when he discovered Odd's habit though. Odd didn't need to know that he wasn't the only one who used that special drawer. Odd wasn't the only one who needed to know the others were there for him, but Ulrich was used to suffering in silence, and it was easier to help someone else than it was to help yourself. It was easier to make Odd accept his help than to accept help from any of the others. Ulrich knew exactly what he had done, and why he had done it, and that most of the things his father said weren't true (not completely). Knowing it rationally and knowing it emotionally were two very different things. Ulrich didn't tell anyone.

"Ulrich what's this?" Aelita asked one day, pointing at a mark on his shoulder. They were all sitting around, enjoying the day that wasn't quite spring and wasn't quite summer, and Ulrich had taken off his shirt because it was getting quite hot. Ulrich barely stopped the wince in time, but he managed.

"Burn scar," he said simply. The others raised their eyebrows at that.

"How'd you get a burn scar on your shoulder?" Yumi asked curiously.

"Oh, I had to blow dry my hair for some reason or other- can't remember why- and it got too hot. I think it broke. Anyway, it ended up giving me a second degree burn, but it healed up nicely." He lied. None of them seemed overly concerned, and Ulrich knew they wouldn't be. It wasn't unusual for someone to just be clumsy. People forgot about the little things, forgot that you didn't have to be obvious to hate yourself. Forgot that there were ways to make it so no one looked at you like you were glass (they looked at Odd like that sometimes, though they didn't realize it). Everyone always forgot those things, but Ulrich never, ever would.


	5. Out of Bounds

**This is the definitive last of the series. I'm officially done. I'm satisfied. It's been fun, but I think Odd and Ulrich are done being angst ridden, at least in this capacity, for now. **

Odd clutched Ulrich's journal in his hand, poised to open it. Anger was waylaid long enough to allow him to think- his conscience already nagging at him for the breach of privacy- but anger has a way of blinding the conscience. Ulrich had been driving Odd crazy lately, and Odd knew he wasn't the only one. Ulrich had a way of being moody that sent them all up a wall. Usually though, it ended far sooner than this. It had been two and a half weeks since this had started and Ulrich was still sulking! It was ridiculous. And of course, when Ulrich was in such a mood, he was short tempered, grumpy, and at times downright mean.

But he hadn't really done anything too bad his conscience argued, and despite himself, Odd knew it to be true. That didn't mean Ulrich hadn't been hurting him and the others with both his silence and his anger. Odd was done. He wanted to know the problem, wanted to confront it, and Ulrich wasn't budging. So Odd opened up Ulrich's journal and began to read.

CLCLCLCLCLCLCL

Ulrich was not in a good mood. He tried his hardest to reign it in, but at this point the best he could do was keep from being as snappish as he wanted to be, which wasn't that great. It didn't help that he really, _really_ wanted to do something he shouldn't. Maybe several things he shouldn't. He knew better- of course he did- but that wasn't helping him now.

Calls from home were getting ...stressful. His father never called (and thank god for that) but his mother called at least once a month, and she'd been calling practically daily since the car accident. It was irony at its finest, Ulrich thought. The two cars had been his father's and his uncle's. All the victims of this particular crash were in his family, and he was torn. On one hand, he should feel about as bad for his dad as he did his grandmother who had also been in the crash (he did not). On the other hand, most of his family was full of dicks he hated being around anyway, so why should it matter?

Everyone appeared to be on the road to recovery, so he supposed it didn't matter, but that didn't mean it changed how he felt about it. Even worse, he knew his father would use the accident to guilt trip him about his grades because his father was good at that. Of course he'd been doing worse in classes because he couldn't focus, so that was out of the question. He'd been craving the pain and was angry at himself for his need to hurt himself. He knew he couldn't, and he'd thought he was past that, but he should have known better. It was exhausting to fight. It was exhausting to fight his own needs and to help fight Odd's needs, but he managed, barely.

Still, he had the intense desire to just go into his dorm room and sleep, and he was going to do just that. He opened the door to their dorm—

To see Odd reading his journal. Fear came first, quickly followed by fury. "What the hell are you doing?" he swept into the room, slamming the door shut as he moved to take the journal from Odd's hands. Odd didn't move, let Ulrich snatch the book from his hands without a fight. His eyes were just as furious as Ulrich's, just as betrayed.

"Why didn't you tell us? Why didn't you tell _me_?" Odd demanded, tears at the edges of his vision. Whether they were tears of fury or sadness, Ulrich couldn't quite tell, didn't quite care.

"Don't turn this around! You invaded my privacy! You read my journal! What the hell Odd?" Ulrich waved the journal at Odd.

"No don't you turn this around!" Odd surged up, batted the journal out of the way and to the ground, fury clearly displayed now. "You've been sulking for weeks and you haven't been talking to any of us. It didn't matter what we did, you refused to talk to any of us. I just wanted to know what was wrong, why you've been acting so awful these last few weeks, why you wouldn't talk to any of us, even me and Yumi. Then I read that not only have three people in your family ended up in the hospital, but that you've also... that you- why didn't you tell me?" his voice breaks, and Odd looks like he might actually cry now.

Ulrich is feeling exposed and angry and he isn't entirely sure what to do. He runs his hands through his hair and turns away from Odd.

"It wasn't any of your business. I've stopped."

"Like what I was doing was any of yours?"

"You were hurting yourself," Ulrich whirls around and fury returns. "I was better, okay? I was doing so much better! Seeing you doing it, knowing that one day I might find you-" Ulrich cuts himself off. "It was like looking into some sort of twisted mirror. You think you were bad? You were only at the tip of the iceberg Odd. I live in a goddamn family of shitty coping mechanisms! I've seen the bad ends to every single one." It grates against his senses to tell, but it isn't even that much to say. It isn't even the details that matter.

"I've got a family of alcoholics, and drug addicts, people who constantly run away from their problems and pretend everything is fine. You think you know how bad you had it? I've been looking into my future since I was old enough to realize what the fuck was going on in my twisted, fucked up family. And I know, I've seen what happens to people like us. I had a cousin who locked herself in her bathroom, slit her wrists and never came out again. Maybe you'd get there, maybe you wouldn't, but I was never willing to let you figure it out."

"Ulrich, you've never told me that." Odd's voice is more than a little bit stunned, but Ulrich's face is impassive.

"And why would I? What good would it do? You're still not entirely okay. I'm not either, really, and it doesn't help if I push myself to think about those things. It doesn't matter. Talking about it doesn't change anything."

"I could have helped you."

"You think helping you never helped me? It did."

"But I wasn't there for you," Odd persists.

"I didn't need or want you to be there for me," he says simply.

"Oh, and I wanted you to be there for me?" Odd quirks his eyebrow at Ulrich, who glares back. "As for need, how do you know? How do you know you didn't need my help?"

"I did fine on my own." Ulrich replied.

"Yeah, you did. Until this accident thing happened. You telling me it wouldn't have been easier, that you wouldn't have been less of an asshole if you'd bothered to talk to any of us? So that one of us could have told you that you don't have to feel bad about things just because they happened to people who have a blood relation to you? That your family, blood or no, doesn't make your future definite? Are you telling me, you never needed or wanted to hear some of the things you said to me?" Odd's voice is steady, his eyes now clear. There's understanding there, something that Ulrich doesn't really like to see.

Because Odd isn't wrong. There were times when he wanted the same understanding he gave to Odd, times when he did want that reassurance. These are overshadowed by the ingrained need to keep secrets, to keep family matters in the family, to shove down the shameful secrets that would tarnish the Stern reputation.

"Maybe," he admitted before he brushed it off. "I'm still angry at you," Ulrich glares at Odd, who only nods.

"Don't think I'm not still angry with you either. And you need to tell the others something, apologize. None of us deserved to be treated so crappily because you were upset, Ulrich."

"Yeah, yeah." Ulrich rubbed a hand against the back of his neck. "I've been trying to tone it down."

"We've noticed. We still deserve an apology, and maybe some groveling." Odd said with a grin. "We can have an actual argument a little later tonight. Right now, you're going to apologize, and we're going to hang with our friends. We'll both feel better for it."

"I wish you weren't right." Ulrich sighed. "Just promise me you will never, ever, ever read my journal again."

"I'll promise not to if you promise to talk to one of us, any one of us, when something's bothering you this much." Odd said, waving the journal that Ulrich had dropped in front of his face. Ulrich snatched it from him.

"Fine. I promise. Have I told you how annoying you are lately?"

"That's not good groveling!" Odd responded cheerfully as he headed to the door. Ulrich sighed, put his journal back, then followed Odd out the door to talk to their friends.


End file.
